What I Miss Most About the Pre-baby Life vs. What I Love Most About Having a Baby

Sometimes in the quiet moments I find myself thinking about how my life has changed since Will came. There are certainly things and circumstances that have disappeared in the past three months and missing them sometimes makes me feel guilty. However, I think that it's good to appreciate the stage of life that you are in while you inhabit it - as my friend Lizzie would say, you "bloom where you are planted."

Life before the baby had many good qualities - Spencer and I had much more time for each other. Money, too, now that I think about it. I had energy and time to cook gourmet meals, watch all the TV I wanted and go wherever I wanted to go. I could read for hours at a time, and be out of the house for more than a three-hour stretch. I worked and was able to earn a very good salary for Spencer and me and our life and home. Spencer and I could go to the gym and play racquetball for an hour or two several times a week and we had money and time to go out for date nights. We could even go out on those nights when I simply didn't want to cook. That said, I didn't always take advantage of all that time and all those opportunities, but it was satisfying to know that the possibilities were there.

Having a baby has turned my life upside down. I wonder sometimes if it will ever right itself, and then I think that perhaps it won't because it's not supposed to. Perhaps now what seems to me upside down is finally right side up. Who knows?

In any case, motherhood is a daunting yet interesting experience - even on an intellectual level. Reason and logic seem to have flown out the window, and sheer physical reaction and puzzlement have replaced them. I do, however, enjoy many things about being a mom. I like giving Will a post-bath baby massage complete with lotion rub-down. I also like being the first one to go get him in the morning because he is very smiley and happy then. I like washing, folding and putting away tiny baby clothes. I'm not so excited about scrubbing out stains, but maybe that will come. Nursing Will gives me a deep and satisfying sense of accomplishment and pride. I'm glad to be able to do it and I feel blessed to be physically capable of breastfeeding him. Will is such a healthy kid, too - I'm grateful he has no illnesses or physical issues at all. I find that I get excited about the next steps in his baby development - I look for signs and symptoms of coming growth and change such as teething and crawling. Of course, I love having other women "ooh" and "ahh" over the baby that I helped to create - especially since he's an extension of me. A pride issue, I suppose.

A friend asked me the other day if I sometimes wished that I could go back to my pre-baby life. I considered the question carefully, wanting to give the truest response possible. I (eventually) told her that the almost three married years Spencer and I had together before we had our baby were precious and that I do miss them, but that adding a baby to the family enhances the entire experience. Being married now has a greater, more profound purpose.